Best Jokes You Can Picture In Your Mind-How Black Robbers Get You

This has got to be one of the, “Funniest Jokes of the Year” that makes us look at ourselves and how we react to preconceived notions that we carry around in our minds.

We wander around this world and judge people not by their actions but by the actions we play out in our minds.We think certain ways even if we have no legs to stand on to back our thoughts up.

We generalize, we criticize, we characterize, we attempt to rationalize with silly acts that will de-humanize and ostracize as we fail to realize that in the end we will have to vocalize the wrong things we had fantasized as we apologize for trying to penalize the innocent who were guilty because we colorize actions and not people, a mistake ,made to often, that could leave us hospitalized.

Or is that a Surprise———-Nuff SaidAnd Now For Our Feature Presentation

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Techniques Of Black Robbers And How They Get You

This Touted True Story Revealed

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.

First, she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. ‘I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat,’ she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall…very tall…an intimidating figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was, these two are going to rob me. Her next thought was, don’t be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.

Racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!!! The elevator didn’t move.

Panic consumed her. “My God,” she thought, I’m
trapped and about to be robbed! ‘Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, “Hit the floor.” Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, “Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.”

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.

They reached down to help her up. “Confused”, she struggled to her feet…”The Man said when I told my friend here to hit the floor,” ‘I meant… that he should hit the elevator button for our floor… I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, Ma’am. He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing at her.

The woman thought: “My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.’” She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn’t know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter,yelling to the top of their voices… as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room… A Dozen Roses!! Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said:

‘Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.’

It was signed Michael Jordan ———————–Eddie Murphy

Funny Happenings At The Hospital-Top Doctor And Patient Jokes

Some of the best humor around are the antics that go on in hospitals

Some of the best jokes around could very well be recited truths depending on what hospital area is being talked about.

It is a strange thing when patients are tested sometimes to determine their state of health and just like kids say the darndest things, some of our medically challenged people say even more of them.

For example take this story of a day in the world of the Mentally Challenged Community where testing has been pushed to the limit.

A mental hospital was becoming critically over capacity. The doctors decided to get all the patients seated in one very large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day.At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door. There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching and clawing at the door and the handle.The group of doctors were disappointed, until they discovered a single male patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.

Relieved that they had found at least one patient who could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn’t trying to open the door…

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The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, “I’ve got the key!”

Send this funny joke to at least one of your friends so that they can laugh today

Funny Jokes#A Guy, A Girl, Lettuce and Tomatoes

Funny Jokes are here again with this Teen Joke about a guy a girl and some food.

Ever did or planned on doing something and you didn’t want others to know about it?

Yes, Everyone has and the one thing they did to help them out was to create a secret code so people on the outside did not understand whatever was being done or said.

Sometimes secret codes can backfire and this one of many funny teen jokes is a fine example so read on…….

Here’s The Story

The Scene: A young teen (let’s call him Joey) is nearing the end of his senior year in college.

Joey is living at home and nearing the end of his senior year in college. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 10 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and Joey notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. Joey remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper ‘lettuce’ if she wants it harder and ‘tomato’ if she wants a new position.

‘Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!’

She screams. ‘Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can’t get pregnant!’

And so he does

Then the little brother shouts out, ‘Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!’

The Moral of This Funny Joke is, “Kid’s Say The Darnest Things”

Funniest Website Jokes#Work Rules That Make You Want A Home Business

Funny Jokes Presents

The New Work Rules To Live By

Due to the struggling economy Jobs are tightening their belts and demanding a leaner and more productive workforce. It is due to these conditions that they are creating a new set of work rules for employees to follow.Employers must insure a profitable existence and the only way to accomplish this is to make sure all employees increase their productivity and become more dependable.

It is because of this that these universal work rules will be distributed through out the Business World.

Study them and be prepared for what to expect when you receive that phone call that you have been waiting on.

The phone call that brightens your day with those 2 beautiful words, “You’re Hired”

NEW OFFICE POLICYDress Code:

1) You are strongly advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a designer
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you definitely do not need a raise.

Personal Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Consider This A Thing Of The Past

Leave For Personal Days:

Every employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays. Use Them Wisely!

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work what-so-ever . There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Email To Friends Who May Be Looking For Employment

Funniest Stuff Around-It’s Amazing How Times Have Changed-

VERY FUNNY LOOK AT THE CHANGES THAT HAVE UNDERGONE IN THE WORLD TODAY

When you look back on the past, life was much simpler. We laughed at things that were innocent and silly. The jokes we shared were safe for everyone to hear and if it was a little more for the grown ups then the kids knew to go hang out in their rooms.

Kids didn’t interrupt adults when they were talking unless the house was on fire or little Johny fell into the toilet.

You knew your postman by name and the milkman used to leave a fresh jug of milk on the porch every other day.

Families sat down and actually ate dinner together-unbelievable

And even more unbelievable-Families actually watched a TV program together and I’m not talking about the MTV Awards.

Things have changed all over, but today we will have a Fun look at:

THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED IN SCHOOLS IN THE LAST 50 YEARS– Lets Look At 1957 vs. 2007

 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before
school, pulls into school parking lot with
shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at
Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his
shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI
called, Jack hauled off to jail and never
sees his truck or gun again. Counselors
called in for traumatized students and
teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a
fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and
Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives,
arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with
assault, both expelled even though Johnny
started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class,
disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a
good paddling by the Principal. Returns to
class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin.
Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School
gets extra money from state because Jeffrey
has a disability.

 Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his
neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time,
grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child
abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. State psychologist tells
Billy’s sister that she remembers being
abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes
some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal
out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from
school for drug violations. Car searched for
drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes
English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU
files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher.
English banned from core curriculum. Pedro
given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak
English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover
firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in
a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a
red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI
investigates parents, siblings removed from
home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad
goes on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during
recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him
to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better
and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual
predator and loses her job. She faces 3
years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.

Don’t You Remember Or Do You Know I bet the next 50 years will be even stranger.

Funniest Jokes#Old Ladies And What They Eat-The Love Of Peanuts

Old People are Funny but for some reason Old Ladies are always doing funny things.

A guy was telling me a story about how he went to visit his sweet old grandmother one day.

He was on his way home from college for a weekend break. He decided to bring one of his friends home with him to share the drive and to meet his wonderful old grandmother.

They arrived at the house and she met them at the door with a grand old toothless smile that only babies and sweet old grandmothers can get away with.

She ushered them into the house and began cooking a grand meal for them. After awhile they sat and talked and laughed about childhood trouble the grandson used to get in.

While the grandson was busy entertaining his grandmother, his friend began to eat the peanuts out the bowl on the coffee table.

He had to stop himself because he almost eat them all up.

It was getting late and the boys decided it was time to leave so they headed to the door and said their goodbyes.

The friend almost forgot to thank the old lady for her hospitality and turned and yelled, “Thanks for the Peanuts”

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The old lady smiled and yelled back, “Yeah! Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them!”

Funny Jokes#The Chinese Laundry,The Soap and The Panties

Funny Jokes Are Right Down The Street And Around The Corner At The Chinese Laundry

Most people do their laundry at home , but nowadays due to an increasingly busier life style we may have to drop off a little washing type garments with our dry cleaning. These situations could create some unexpected turn of events.One thing for sure is, when you pay your money for a service you expect a good outcome.You don’t expect to pay for something and not have it done right.

Sometimes though the fault is not in the service, it may have something to do with what you are doing OR something you are not doing.

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Funny Jokes#The Chinese Laundry,The Soap and The Panties-And What The Chinese Man Said

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local

Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next

collection of soiled clothes:

“USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the

results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

“I SAID USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

The Chinese laundryman became very ANNOYED and FURIOUS,

and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

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” I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! —-USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!! ”

Send This Funny Joke To Your Friends By Email So They Can Laugh Too!!!

Funny And Outrageous Videos#The Don’t Play With Guns Lesson

Funny Stuff To Make You Laugh is

Presenting the Hard-Headed Wife

If you haven’t seen this Funny Video you will get a Hell of A laugh from it and if you have seen it you will get another hell of a laugh from it. The scenario is the same as all of us have been in.You have shown someone something that is dangerous and you have given them the warnings and the why of the warning.

The person, who you have taken your time with to explain the why of the warning, turns out to be another hard-headed individual who throws the warnings out the window. In exasperation you are left with no other recourse but to teach this individual a lesson.

This is one of thee Funniest Videos that illustrates this point excellently.

Sit Back and enjoy as this is one Banging Video!!

Don’t Forget to share this Hilarious Video By Email Or Linking with Friends

Funny Pictures And Videos#Tribute To The Sad Death Of Bernie Mac

Strange But True Events Concerning the Death Of Chicago Born Comedian Bernie Mac

On August 4th many people received a text message that stated Bernie Mac had died:

The actual message received about his death

Msg:Breaking News Bernie Mac has died in an Undisclosed Chicago Hospital.This particular message was circulated from cell phone to cell phone across the United States by everyone who was familiar with Bernie Mac.

Most of these people could not believe what they were reading and began an internet wide search for more information. Information about the rumor was both negative and positive. Many sites stated that he had indeed died and other sites classified the rumor as a total untruth.

Whew!!! It’s good to know the truth!

August 4, 2008 4:58 PM

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SOMEONE SENT ME A TEXT SAYING THAT BERNIE MAC WAS DEAD!!! I WAS SO SHOCKED!!

IIM GLAD ITS NOT THE TRUTH!!!! GOD BLESS U BERNIE MAC!

August 4, 2008 5:38 PM

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I got a text message sayin that he had died, i was deeply hurt. All i could think was jang-a-lang, jang-a-lang, Budusee, and trouble, TROUBLE

August 4, 2008 6:51 PM

 

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On this day one person who sounded very convincing stated that:

 

Sadly Bernie Mac is dead. A friend called and said his father(a state police officer in Chicago was at the hospital when he died and that they were keeping it from the media due to certain undisclosed reasons.

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On August 3, 2008 it was reported:

 

Comedian Bernie Mac was in “very, very critical” condition late Saturday at a Chicago hospital, according to a Chicago Sun-Times source.

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August 4th rumors circulated but,

 

His publicist strongly denied these rumors by stating:

 

His publicist Danica Smith says, however, that her client is “responding well to treatment and will be released soon.” She called the reports of Mac’s death “a very horrible rumor,” and claims he’s “doing great.

“It’s not true,” the comedian’s rep said Saturday. “It is a very horrible rumor. Nothing has changed from yesterday.”

Bernie is currently in a Chicago-area hospital recovering from a bout with pneumonia.

Other statement issued again by publicist on August 5, 2008:

“Bernie Mac is still alive and being treated in a Chicago hospital for pneumonia and is expected to make a full recovery.”

“We once again ask that the press respect his privacy and that of his family.”

“Mr. Mac is responding well to treatment and will be released soon. He asked that his privacy and that of his family is respected while he gets well.”—————————-

From that date to August 9, 2008 people and fans of the comedian prayed for his family and wished him a speedy recovery.

___________________

 

On August 9, 2008 The Rumor Sadly Became True

 

I am sorry to say that this is true. Bernie Mac passed aw3ay this morning in a Chicago hospital from complications from pneumonia.

August 9, 2008 10:37 AM

 

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The popular comedian passed away at Northwestern Memorial hospital early Saturday morning.

Though the cause of death has not been confirmed, Mac had been hospitalized recently for pneumonia. ‘Sun-Times’ columnist Stella Foster said that she received calls early Saturday morning from a close friend of the Mac family, confirming the reports of Mac’s death.

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Our Hearts go out to the Family, Friends and Fans of Bernie Mac who at the age of 50 passed away.

In The Comedy Community We Have Lost A Great Member As The Comedian Bernie Mac Has Passed On.

On August 9, 2008 It was announced that Comedian Bernie Mac Had Died of Medical Complications. His last performance was at a fundraiser for Presidential Nominee Barack Obama. He made headlines as he made a few lighthearted jokes about the Democratic presidential nominee.

A Bernie Not Everyone Saw

Words To Live By From Bernie Mac

“Bernie Mac A Comedic Legend In His Own Time“

Daily Updated Funny Pics And Funny Videos - Laugh And Share

Need A Daily Dose Of Very Funny Videos And Pics

Then Check this page daily for some of the craziest videos and pictures that will surely make you laugh out loud.

When you get through laughing always think of those poor slobs you christened as friends and email them this page or direct the poor slobs to this website.

We aim to make you laugh as much as you can.

Need to see some Stupid People Doing Stupid Things? Need some Funny and Sexy Pictures and Videos? Need to hide from the kids for awhile? Need to just take a load off your mind and forget the troubles of the world.

I’m sure we can come up with millions of reasons for a few moments of laughter and all of them will be great reasons.

One of the best reasons to laugh is —– :razz:——-Laughter Is Good For The Soul and of course It Beats The Hell Out Of Crying

So Check Back Often, Bookmark, Favorite It, Write it down In Your Diary, Put a Reminder in your phone, Tell your Mom to remind you, Seriously Funny Comedy Is A Terrible Thing To Waste-So If Your Brains are Not On Drugs (or ok, even if it is) Join us from some good old funny videos and funny pictures and funny jokes and audio pranks and everything else that will take care of that need to laugh.

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