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The New Work Rules To Live By

Due to the struggling economy Jobs are tightening their belts and demanding a leaner and more productive workforce. It is due to these conditions that they are creating a new set of work rules for employees to follow.Employers must insure a profitable existence and the only way to accomplish this is to make sure all employees increase their productivity and become more dependable.

It is because of this that these universal work rules will be distributed through out the Business World.

Study them and be prepared for what to expect when you receive that phone call that you have been waiting on.

The phone call that brightens your day with those 2 beautiful words, “You’re Hired”

NEW OFFICE POLICYDress Code:

1) You are strongly advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a designer
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you definitely do not need a raise.

Personal Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Consider This A Thing Of The Past

Leave For Personal Days:

Every employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays. Use Them Wisely!

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work what-so-ever . There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Email To Friends Who May Be Looking For Employment

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