Funny Joke Stories#The Man, The Taser, and The Cute Kitten

Extremely Funny Story

Get Ready To Laugh At What This Silly Guy Does

This is so funny, I just had to share it!!!

Stupid Things That People Do

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this :Last weekend at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife — who would never consider a gun —–adequate
time to retreat to safety. ————-WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, ‘read’) that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I’d know it
was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with
only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts
and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, ‘don’t do it,’ reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ..

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
This is just about as funny as the Texas Hot BBQ contest…..

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser,
that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A
minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking
for my testicles!! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

Poor Dumb Earl- Moral Of Story—-When You Buy Your Wife A Gift Don’t Play With It, Let Her Do The Honors

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