The Mother Of All E-mails-This Is The Funniest E-mail Ever Sent

This is definitely a work of Genius which I Fun-ly Call_______

DUE TO THE NUMEROUS WARNINGS, WISHES, BLESSINGS, ADVICE, PRAYERS, POSSIBLE BANKING BREACHED SECURITY NOTICES, AND CONSTANT LOTTERY WINS (COLLECTIBLE WHEN I CALL THAT NUMBER) AND MY FRIENDS IN THE NIGERIAN BANKING INDUSTRY WHO ALWAYS NEED JUST A LITTLE INFO FROM ME Such As:

YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS
PHONE AND FAX NUMBER IMMEDIATELY TO ENABLE US HAVE ORAL DISCUSSION.
YOUR FULL BANKING DETAILS OF YOUR CHOICE WHERE THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERED INTO.
COMPANY’S NAME AND ITS ADDRESS {IF ANY}
YOUR PASSPORT PHOTO OR YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSES
AND ANY OTHER USEFULL INFORMATIONS THAT MAY BE USEFULL FOR THIS TRANSFER OF MILLIONS)

I can no longer open any public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the hell the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bed comforter because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my afternoon tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have icky feelings shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating those Little Debbie cakes send me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has sat it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every damn envelope that needs sealing.

I also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same poopy reason.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish and also the 10 friends that I forwarded her blessing to.

I no longer eat KFC because their specially selected chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a old water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes or sometimes when I email five of my friends within seven minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and clean car batteries.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping $5.00 a gallon gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are backwood atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes my food to give me cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will explode in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a junkies needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial that tricky number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their secret recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown recluse spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Warning

If you don’t send this post to at least 144,000 people and all the social sites in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a big hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on their mouse.

Oh Forget about taking it off now, it’s way too late.

Watch Out For Those Greeting Cards Too—-

Hey!-Sharing Is So QUICK and EASY!

Don’t Stop- You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet

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